Jocelyn Rau – Page 20

March 21, 2016March 20, 2016

An apology to my son

Dear Morrison,

I owe you an apology. And it’s for something of which I’m sure you have no notion nor will you ever have any recollection whatsoever. But I still feel I need to tell you, from my heart to yours.

I’m afraid I haven’t been a very good mama to you for much of your infancy. And yes, you’re only 9 months old so still in your infancy, but it’s mainly the earlier and mid-infancy months of which I speak.

I don’t think I’ve been the mama you deserve. Because you deserve the absolute very best, my sweet boy, and that has not always been me.

Don’t worry, I have loved you from the very second I knew I was pregnant with you, as you are my child and part of me. But there were times when I honestly did not like you very much. And trust me, it makes me feel terrible to even say that.

And the reason why makes me feel even worse, because it’s not just an “oh he’s crying, I don’t really like him right now” or “oh he’s not sleeping again, which I don’t really like” kind of not liking you. Although I’m sure the sleep deprivation didn’t really help matters. I really, truly didn’t like you, my very own son.

Because you were a boy.

And because I had wanted another girl and therefore thought I wasn’t capable of loving a little boy.

And that I couldn’t love a little boy as much as I love your sisters.

And that I wasn’t a “boy mom” and never could be.

I know, it’s absurd. I fully, 100% recognize and admit that fact. And that’s why feeling this way about you has eaten me up and made me feel like an absolute miserable parent. Who in their right mind would feel unable to love one of their own children as much as any others for any reason?

Me. And I’m more sorry than you will ever know.

But for some reason, over the past month or so, this feeling has lifted. All of a sudden one weekend I had so much fun with you and realized how utterly idiotic I had been feeling and probably acting. For although I never treated you poorly or worse than your sisters or badly or anything like that, I felt like I was subconsciously doing so due to my irrational mind-set.

It’s totally stupid, I know, believe me. Because I love you with my whole heart and soul, just as I do your sisters. And I never ever want anything less than the best possible things in life for each and every one of you. That I’ve always known.

And now I also know that there’s no such thing as a “boy mom” or a “girl mom.” There is simply mom. And I am one.

I’m yours. And I’m your sisters’.

And I am positively the best mama there ever could be for you. I promise to keep acting like it, now that I’ve finally started.

So please forgive me, my dear baby boy. You are my little lovebug. You always have been and you always will be.

Love,

Mama

March 15, 2016May 16, 2016

M 9 month stats

Morrison turned 9 months old 2 weeks and 1 day ago. So this post isn’t that late, right?

We finally had his next well check that same week, so here are his official 9 month numbers:

Height: 29.2″ (82%)
Weight: 20 lbs. 3 oz. (59%)
Head: 47 cm (94%)
BMI: 17 kg/m2 (46%)

So although I keep thinking we have this huge baby, judging by his percentiles, we really don’t. Only 59% for weight, which seems so low to me. Ah well. The doctor said everything looked good, so I won’t question things.

He pulls himself up to stand on everything with ease, which leads me to believe walking will start happening sooner than later. He’s been standing for a while now, though, so who knows whether he’ll really walk soon or not. He crawls at the speed of light and has been known to totally destroy something in a matter of seconds when I turn my back. Nothing major, mind you, usually just knocking over a pile of magazines or pulling up half the letter and number mats the kids play on. And since I refuse to babyproof everything, he just hears “No,” “Morrison, stop that,” and “get down” a lot. He’ll learn. Surprisingly, he has already begun to obey those simple orders of where and where not to grab stuff.

Fortunately he loves to sit and play with his toys for good chunks of time, whether in his playpen or just out and about. And books! Oh, how he loves to “read” books, and Cookie Monster has become his particular favorite. We have this one Cookie Monster book that he grabs off the bookshelf in the girls’ room almost every time he goes in there. I finally pulled the basket of baby board books we have out of the corner of their room so it’s more accessible for him to dig through. He’ll put each of his toys in his mouth, apparently seeing which ones induce the best amount of slobber. You’ll often hear him chattering and “singing” to everything, too. Quite entertaining to watch that little head play and decide what to do next.

He is a fantastic eater. I just finished off his last round of premade and blended up oatmeal the other day, and I think from now on I won’t even need to make any baby food at all. He pretty much eats everything the girls do, except honey. For example, for lunch today he and Lana both had macaroni and cheese and pineapple. And last week when I took the girls to swim lessons one evening, Ryan said he ate an entire hot dog, a pickle, and a whole piece of string cheese for dinner. In tiny pieces, of course. He still gets 4 bottles of formula daily, and each one is 8 oz. (he usually drinks the whole thing) – 1 when he wakes up in the morning, 1 mid-morning, 1 mid-afternoon after his nap, and 1 at bedtime.

His naps are still solid. Almost every day he takes a morning nap, although he has been forgoing that on the walk to school for the past couple days. However, his afternoon nap is still usually reliable, lasting 2-3 hours. Evening naps have been gone for a while now.

And dear universe, please don’t curse me for saying this, but I think he finally figured out how to sleep through the night!! Wait, that needs more exclamation points. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He slept through the entire night without waking even once for a quick pacifier plug the night before his 9 month birthday, and that was the first time he had slept the whole night in his life. And thankfully, since then, he has slept through I think almost every night. His cries for a pacifier are becoming fewer and farther between, which is great. When he does do it, all he needs is his pacifier and he literally falls over and goes right back to sleep, but that’s still a time that I have to wake up and do something out of bed. So when I don’t have to do that, I’m much happier. That whole lack of sleep thing, woof.

So there you have it. This little guy is quickly becoming one of the kids, as much as I’d love him to stay a baby forever. It’s almost hard for me to remember his very early infant days, which sounds ridiculous since they were so relatively recent. I think that being busier with my editing work, driving across the country within his first month, and feeling like life just went right back to normal after his birth kind of took away that magical “new baby” feeling, which seems unfair to him. But I’m trying to make up for that now, and he is a fun one to play along with, that’s for sure. You’ll never see more smiles and silly faces than on Morrison John Rau.

The posterity stats – clothes are almost all size 12 months, daytime diapers are size 3, overnight diapers are size 4. He has 8 teeth – 4 on the top and 4 on the bottom. Perfect for eating hot dogs. Here is Lana’s 9 month post for a comparison as well. And, as always, the trifecta of Goonies – Della, Lana, Morrison. I still see no resemblance among them whatsoever.

February 22, 2016May 16, 2016

M 8 month stats

Morrison turns 9 months old in exactly 1 week, and of course I haven’t gotten a chance to even write his 8 month post yet. In my defense, however, I have actually been busy working. I had a book editing project that finished up the week before last, then last week I got a monster editing project from that same publishing company to help edit an encyclopedia. What?! I know. But anyway, here we are again, so let’s check this kid out at 8 months.

Unfortunately, I have no idea where our most recent pictures are, so you’re stuck with just his monthly shots this time. Great mother, eh? Not only am I 3 weeks late for a month-by-month update, but I don’t even have enough pictures to share. Poor kid. We have the next checkup for 9 months, too, so there are no official numbers either. Criminy!

But he’s cute, so here’s another 8 month pose.

He started crawling 1 week before 8 months, and now he’s all over the house. Fortunately he appears to be a fast learner and is starting to understand where he can and can’t go and what he can and can’t grab to shove in his mouth. At the end of last week he started pulling himself up to standing, too. Now he loves to hold onto the sides of his playpen or bed and bounce up and down. Little stinkpot.

He is still the best eater and loves to gobble down every meal we give him. Favorites include oatmeal and bananas or applesauce, sweet potatoes, avocados, yogurt, Cheerios, cheese, beans, and tiny pieces of the girls’ snacks. He gets 4 6-8 oz. bottles of formula a day, with all nursing ending just before 8 months and all breastmilk being used up right after 8 months.

Sleep is still hit or miss, but he has now gone multi-week stretches of sleeping through the night, which, for him, is from 7:00 to somewhere in the 5:00 morning hour. So not bad, especially if I actually go to bed anytime before 10:00. Last week, however, he started waking up again, but that was at the onset of the most horrific case of diaper rash he has ever had and that I might have ever seen. There are purely raw patches of skin on either side of his legs and buns right now, and he’s been pooping almost every diaper change. That obviously doesn’t help the cause. I finally got Triple Paste yesterday after using Aquafor, and it seems to be healing already. This may be due to teething, because I did see his next top tooth almost poking through at the end of last week, but it looks like it has receded. I sure hope this ends soon, though, because when he poops in the middle of the night it hurts him and he wakes up crying.

I think that’s about it for the big things this month. It’s hard to believe he’s almost as old as the time he spent in utero. In fact, he might be there already, since he was born 10 days early. I’ll have to calculate for sure.

Here is the monthly trifecta. Della, Lana, Morrison. Pretty much the cutest kids I’ve ever seen, but I’m obviously 100% biased. My heart is so full.

January 13, 2016May 16, 2016

M 7 month stats

Morrison turned 7 months old on New Year’s Eve. I can’t believe we’ve already celebrated a whole new year with him!

This month has seen some pretty major developments so far. In the week after he turned 7 months old, he took his first crawling “steps,” even though he doesn’t really crawl yet at all. He just gets up on all fours, rocks back and forth, and kind of scoots/hops his little knees forward. That’s how it starts, though!

That same week he also learned how to sit up. This was great, because I’d recently been wondering why he wasn’t sitting yet. I’m pretty sure both girls sat on their own well before 7 months, but every time I set him down in a sitting position he would just fold over on himself and splay out on his tummy. (i actually just read back in Lana’s 7 month post and she was not sitting by then, so maybe Della was) But right after he started doing his crawling scoots, he figured out how to put one of his legs out to the side and push himself back into a full sitting position. I was so proud of him! You could tell he was proud of himself, too, because sitting is now his favorite position. He sits on a blanket on top of the playmats in the living room and flaps his arms around and plays with his toys for hours (yes really, hours).

He is an excellent eater. Since he’s been eating so well with solids and taking formula, my milk supply is all but gone. I do still try to nurse him for the very first feeding of the morning, but I have a feeling he’s only getting a dribble by now. So if he gets a very small first feeding, he gets a 6-8 oz. bottle of formula mid-morning, eats solids at lunch (usually a delectable puree of oatmeal and bananas) with water afterward, another 6-8 oz. bottle of formula mid-afternoon after his nap, solids at dinner (another delicious puree of sweet potatoes, peas, avocados, or a combination of whichever of those we happen to have) with water afterward, and then finally another 6-8 oz. bottle of formula at bedtime. He also started eating baby puffs at 6 months, and he’s become much better at actually getting those into his mouth. We usually give him some in the highchair in the mornings while the girls are eating breakfast, and he normally gets a handful before or after lunch and dinner, too, while I get things ready or cleaned up.

His naps are still pretty solid. His morning nap ranges anywhere from half an hour to an hour and a half, simply depending on the day and whether we walk to school or not and how he’s slept the night before. His afternoon nap is still good, too, lasting 2-3 hours while Lana naps (thank you!!). He has started needing a little evening nap after dinner again much of the time, but it’s only about half an hour at most.

Now I know I’ve painted a pretty good picture of Morrison’s life at 7 months here, but please don’t be fooled. It’s not all sunshine and roses. But why? you may ask. He’s so cute! Yeah, well don’t let that pretty little face pull the wool over your eyes. This kid

does

not

fucking

sleep!

Sorry for the language (hi, Mom and Grandma!), but it’s warranted here. This kid is an absolute nightmare overnight. He’s like a Gremlin – when the clock strikes midnight all hell breaks loose (it’s actually more like 11:30 for him, but whatever). More often than not, he spends at least 1 hour and up to about 4 hours fussing, crying, screaming, and robbing me of any hope for sleep and sanity. I have no idea what the reason is either. Right now he’s teething (oh yeah, his front 2 teeth have broken through in the past few days and the couple on either side of those are bulging, too, getting ready to poke down), so I’m sure that’s causing some discomfort, but even infant’s ibuprofen doesn’t seem to help in those heinous overnight stretches.

We’ve tried seemingly everything. He doesn’t get fed overnight anymore; he doesn’t get changed overnight anymore; I try putting him in bed with me to sleep on my chest (sometimes that works, but he usually just farts around and cries or sneezes in my face); Ryan bounces/rocks him (i’m so mean i usually refuse to get him out of his crib); we’ve tried giving him water in a bottle; he always gets his pacifier when he starts getting fussy; he wears overnight diapers now so he doesn’t get soaked; we have both a warm mist humidifier and little space heater right by his bed; he has a little nightlight and music player hanging right next to his bed as well. I just don’t know. I really wish he would learn how to suck his thumb like Lana did so I can do away with the pacifier, but I can only stand so much screaming before that plug goes back in.

What I do know, though, is that he’s the worst sleeping baby I have ever encountered right now. Terrible. Miserable. Obnoxious. Whatever synonym for “bad” you want to throw in here works. He slept better as a newborn than he does now. I just keep telling myself that this will eventually pass, because otherwise I’m ready to flush him. Seriously. Or send him somewhere far away where a nice mom will do a much better job of soothing him and figuring out what he needs during those hours, because I sure as hell am out of ideas.

So there. On a whole, I guess I’d say 7 months is pretty good for this kid. Just don’t ask me between the hours of 11:00 p.m. and 5:00 a.m., because then I might just tell you I have a baby boy for sale. (joking, of course. kind of)

Posterity stats this time since we don’t have his next well check until 9 months. He wears size 9 month clothes at the absolute smallest, and even most of those are starting to get small. A lot of 6-12 month outfits still fit well, though. He wears size 3 diapers and just started size 4s for overnights. (again in Lana’s 7 month post i saw she was only wearing size 2 diapers at this age. big kid)

Now for the monthly comparison. I’ve started thinking he resembles Della more, but they’re all still pretty much their own kid in the looks department. And for more reading, here is Lana’s 7 month post. Apparently she was a terrible sleeper at that point, too, but I don’t remember her nights being anything like Morrison’s are right now.

December 11, 2015

Reprieve

It’s been a long time since I posted about me. I still want to get a “life with 3” post up here soon, but that’s not this one.

I just want to write about how incredibly thrilled I am that this December is, so far, turning out to feel nothing like December. I do love a white Christmas and all, but that’s about all the winter I want anymore. And the bitter, below-zero cold I can do without all together.

The worst part for me, though, is the darkness. I hate, nay, despise, loathe the dark winter days that creep in. This started the year Lana was born. Having a hard, fussy newborn in those shortening, cold dark days was miserable. I think it gave me late-onset seasonal affective disorder. For real. It’s dark when we wake, it’s dark well before dinner, and if it’s cloudy, forget it – it’s dark all damn day.

But this season has felt so great! I know for sure it has to do with our weather being so mild this late on the calendar. I’m still walking Della to school, which I know stopped long before this point last year. Granted I was pregnant and feeling awful in the first trimester, so that had much to do with it, but still. I’m not even minding the darkness at all this year. Or the fact that Morrison is the world’s worst night sleeper and I’m turning into a total zombie. But that’s a whole other story…

And the best part? There are only 10 more days until they start getting longer again! MORE LIGHT!!! I love it. I think my SAD has been skipped for this year. Thank god.

December 7, 2015May 16, 2016

M 6 month stats

Half a year!

Morrison turned 6 months old a week ago today. Only 1 week late with the post – that’s got to be a record! We did have his well check last week, too, so here are the numbers:

Height: 27.5″ (83%, 4 months was 97%)
Weight: 18.0625 lbs. (60%, 4 months was 73%)
Head: 44.5 cm (81%)
BMI: 17 kg/m2 (40%)

There actually is not a ton different from his 5 month post. He’s still rolling all around; jumping like crazy in the jumperoo; eating his oatmeal, sweet potatoes, avocados, and bananas; not sleeping through the night; 2 teeth; and drooling all over the place.

His new favorite method of communication is grunting, which makes him sound like a tiny caveman. I have noticed some definite consonant sounds, though – m, n, and b.

He gives the best bear hugs, which usually result in him grabbing my hair by the handful. Thankfully I can uncoil his little fingers before it actually gets yanked out of my head. He also loves to be tickled under his arms, on his belly, and under his chin. There is something about baby laughter that is like angels singing.

He moves himself all around the play mats now, too, without crawling, so I think once the Christmas tree is down and there’s a little more space we’ll have to get the playpen out. Little stinker. He has also begun trying to sit himself up when you set him down. He has never successfully pulled himself all the way to sitting, but he’s certainly working those abs.

I just read back through Lana’s 6 month post, and these 2 descriptions are strikingly similar. Oh dear lord in heaven, help us if Morrison is going to be as big a personality as Lana. His overall demeanor seems much calmer than hers ever has been, but what I wrote about her at 6 months could almost be copied and pasted right in here today. Eesh.

I keep forgetting to include the posterity stats in Morrison’s updates – size 3 diapers and 6 month clothes at the absolute smallest (although 9 months have already started to fit much better than anything 6 month anymore). He naps in the morning for generally up to an hour just depending on if we’re walking to school or not, usually between 2-3 hours early- to mid-afternoon, and then he’s actually started putting a short evening nap back in sometimes. He still is ready for bed by about 7 at the latest, sometimes much earlier if he doesn’t take that evening cat nap, nurses 4 times a day throughout the morning and afternoon, eats solids at dinner, then has a 6 oz. bottle of formula at bedtime. I thought the bigger bottle of formula would help keep him full better during the night, but it still has had little effect on that nice long through-the-night stretch of sleep that we so desperately want. I don’t mind giving him that one bottle, though, because my milk supply is usually not enough for him to get full by that point in the day anyway.

So there he is, our half-year old. Cute, cute, cute!

As usual, the Goonies comparison. Della, Lana, Morrison; sorry it’s kind of a weird picture, but the Della and Lana side was a comparison I already had from Lana’s 6 month post, so those 2 were already put together. I love these kids!

November 15, 2015May 16, 2016

M 5 month stats

Only 2 weeks late, no big deal.

Morrison turned 5 months old on Halloween, and so far this has been probably his most eventful month yet. We don’t have a well-check until 6 months, so no official numbers again this time.

But here’s what’s happening with this adorable little boy now:

He’s rolling. Back to front happened just a few days after his 5 month birthday, and it’s now his favorite activity when you put him down on the floor.

He’s eating. He started getting solid foods the day after his 5 month birthday in the hopes that a dinner of solids might help him sleep through the night better. The jury is still out on that, but my new method of not feeding him at all during the night and just soothing him back to sleep in his crib with a pacifier and back pats if he wakes and fusses seems to be inching us closer, anyway.

He’s teething. Ugh. That first tooth broke through that same week with the rolling and eating, and I don’t think he liked it at all. That’s a lot for 1 tiny body to handle all at once. And then the second one decided to join the party 2 days ago as well. Wahoo!

He’s drooling. Still and always.

He’s cute!

Here is the monthly comparison shot, and they were all taken in the same spot for once – Della, Lana, Morrison, left to right. And here is Lana’s 5 month post in case you’d like to compare notes as well.

This little boy is an absolute joy, and I swear he just keeps getting happier and happier! Love, love, love.