Tag: Me Myself & I

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I’m a pretty damn good mom after all

That’s basically all I wanted to say, but it feels good to actually “say” it out loud. It feels like it’s taken a long time to get here. (even though i haven’t really been a mom all that long, but whatever)

Sure I have bad days, but I know I’m not alone in that. And lately the good days have begun to far, far outnumber the bad ones. I’m getting into the swing of my new job and loading the girls up to go with me there, and that new routine is finally starting to feel more natural.

Oh yeah, I got a job. I’m planning a bigger “update” post wherein I explain all that, but in a nutshell I started working part-time at the front desk at the gym to which I’ve belonged for years. So far it’s going great. But like I said, more on that later.

This post is about me feeling good in my motherhood again. Being home with 2 is definitely harder than not being home with 1, since I worked full-time for the first 2 years of Della’s life. And as I’ve admitted before, it was a lot harder than I expected and allowed myself to believe at first. But honestly I do feel like I’m better getting the hang of it all.

Della and Lana are my little buddies now instead of simply my charges. Della gets excited to go to “Mama’s new work”, especially when we pack up her lunchbox. One of the girls in the kids care room where D & L go while I work told me this morning that Della was having a blast showing off her “new lunchbox” to everyone. I love how she refers to it as that, since we’ve had it in the cupboard for years. New to her though, I guess.

And Lana is definitely mellowing and becoming more fun to be around. Her crying jags are much fewer and far between, and dare I say on their way out? Now when she cries I know she’s obviously hungry or sleepy, depending on the time of day (or night still, unfortunately). Her smiles and huge blue eyes are the most beautiful things ever, and the chatter she squawks out is hysterical.

Seeing little shining moments in the girls’ days are also helping confirm my new found Mama conviction. When I dropped the two of them off in the kids care room at work today, Della walked over to a little boy who was standing near the cabinets by the sink. He must have been about her age, as he was a little shorter than her. She just wanted to see what he was doing, but when she walked up, he put his hand up on her chest in a “go away” motion. Instantly, flashbacks of those little bitches at the family party came back to me and I was heart-broken again. (what, i can call them that, they’re family) She didn’t see me watching this, however, and she went and sat down at one of the little tables in the room by herself.

I told this tale to that same girl who works in the kids care room later in the morning when she was out at the front desk, and she said oh poor Della! Yeah, that’s what I thought too! But she said don’t worry, they started coloring right after that and she was totally fine. Incident long forgotten. Which I assumed, but I was just happy to know that Della didn’t push the kid back or anything like that. She just walked away and did her own thing. I’d like to think I had a hand in forming her sweet, mild nature, but maybe it’s just innate. I’ll keep telling myself I at least helped, though.

So that’s all. I just felt really good about myself and the girls today, and wanted to write that out. Thank you for listening, as always.

Li really, really love this little face.

Dthe constant wonder in her eyes is such a marvelous thing.

 

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The midnight hours

You know the ones. The ones where the house is still. The ones where the messes are cleaned. The ones where the mouths are silent and the bodies are tucked snugly in bed. The ones where all is quiet.

Except my mind.

It’s deep in the heart of early morning, and Lana has just gone back down after her (usually) once-nightly feeding. I climb wearily back into bed and listen to her trying to drift back off to the land of nod. Sometimes she does it; sometimes she needs a little help from her friend Blue, a.k.a. the pacifier.

So wouldn’t it rightly follow that I should do the same?

One would think, yes.

But no. That’s usually when it starts. That’s when my brain decides to wake up, instead of saving its capacity for the daytime hours, when I really need it.

I need to make a checklist for the store. What do I need to get done around the house tomorrow? Or, more correctly, I guess it’s really today now. What are Della and I going to do today? When is such-and-such going to get done on the house? How should we do such-and-such on the house? Who needs to be bathed today? Should I make coffee when I get up or go right to breakfast if I have time?

Who cares??

Just settle and enjoy the last hours of the night. You need to. Whatever comes today will take care of itself, with no worrying from your midnight thoughts needed.

Just go.

Sleep… sleep… sleep…

 

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Lost

“I just don’t feel like ‘me’ anymore…”

I’ve often heard people say things along those lines and could never really understand what they meant. What do you mean you don’t feel like you? That doesn’t make any sense. Until now.

I just don’t feel like “me” anymore.

I don’t feel like Jocelyn; I just feel like a random “her”.

I spend my days at home being a mom right now, but that’s all I do. And I don’t think I’m a particularly good one much of the time either, so that’s a kick in the ass. I’m sure Ryan would rate me pretty low on the scale of wife-dom too, since most of the time he’s home after work I’m wrangling one or both of the kids and spending the entire evening dealing with bedtimes and cleaning up messes. Do I feel like talking about anything once that’s done? No. Lovely.

When I look in the mirror I see tired, boring, plain, not necessarily unhappy, but just un-. Where did I go? I used to see really happy, pretty, fun, if I do say so myself.

Lost.

How do I get un-lost?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond grateful for all that I have – a great husband, 2 incredible daughters, a home, food on the table, a wonderful family, our health. Which actually makes me feel worse – like how dare I get down on myself when I have so much that’s good? What do I have to whine about?

I don’t know when I got lost either. Fairly recently, I guess. Maybe it’s not having a job to make me feel like I contribute? Maybe I’m no good at having a toddler and an infant at the same time? Maybe it’s my growing dislike of winter? Maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t gotten any real, heart-pumping exercise in months (which definitely needs to change now that i’ve gotten the all-clear after having lana)? Maybe 33 is the age where I just start to suck in general? Who knows.

I don’t feel depressed in the clinical sense, so please don’t send me a list of meds or therapists. I don’t not want to get out of bed; I don’t not get stuff done that needs to be done; I don’t not.

I just don’t feel quite like me right now. I feel an overall sense of blah, if you will. Unfortunately, it’s not becoming on me.

So maybe it’s a good thing 2012 is on its way out tonight. Besides the birth of our second daughter, the beautiful Baby Lana, this year can suck it. I lost my job, and now I seem to have lost me.

I hope I find her again in 2013.

 

 

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Exhale

Christmas tree

Here I sit at 9:30 on a Thursday night. Folding the last of the day’s laundry by the light of the Christmas tree, Lana drifting off to sleep on the couch beside me. Her snuffles and grunts on the pacifier are slowly becoming quieter the closer she gets to the night’s slumber. Not that folding laundry is a particularly sentimental activity, it just happened to be what I was doing when the mood to type struck. I don’t mind it either. I’d much rather be folding laundry than ironing. Bleh. And have you ever folded size 2T/3T underwear? The fact that they even make butts that tiny is hysterical enough to make the activity almost enjoyable.

Della has just gone to bed and fortunately didn’t pull another round of crying as soon as I shut the door. That’s been her trick lately. Well, that and throwing a crying/whining fit before bed to try and avoid it all together. “Me sit Mama baby.” No, you already sat with Mama and Baby Lana. “Me sit Dada.” (increasingly whiny and teary) No, you already sat with Dada. “Me watch Do-do” (a.k.a Dora) Hell no, child. It’s bedtime.

I did just hear a thunk against the wall, though, which usually means she’s out and has rolled over to knock one of her million stuffed toys into the wall next to her bed. It’s probably the light-up ladybug that projects stars and the moon onto the ceiling and walls, which is her new favorite. A gift from one of Ryan’s cousins for Lana actually, but D has commandeered it until L needs it. Which, my guess is, will be never, or at least until D gives it up willingly. So, never.

This has been a week for the record books around here. All 4 of us have been simultaneously sick. Urg. It started last weekend, when both Ryan and I felt the early twinges of sore throats and headaches. Fortunately mine progressed from there, as it usually does, into just a full-blown head cold. Unfortunately Ryan and D bore the brunt. Ryan has been home sick the past 2 days, which I think is a record for him, with fever, aches, chills/sweats, all over nasty. D barfed Monday and yesterday, but now seems to be on the mend with just the remnants of a runny nose left so far. We’ll see what tomorrow brings, however. L has gotten super congested again, but thankfully I think that is the extent of her cold. I hate when infants get sick, because what can you really do for them?

So we are anxiously awaiting the return of health within our walls. Needless to say moods will be improved all around when it comes. Not that we’ve been mean to each other, but being in the throes of the flu doesn’t really lend itself to robust conversation. Grunts and phrases have been our main modes of communication this week. Fortunately Ryan was feeling better today than yesterday and was able to help me take care of the tinies, but he’s still struggling and going to bed well before either of their bedtimes. So it again falls to me to get them ready and asleep, then finish up everything I need to do around the house. At least I was able to eat dinner before 10:00 tonight.

I do still need to clean up the kitchen. I actually cooked dinner tonight! It was a slow cooker beef bourguignon over egg noodles, which I thought was pretty good. Ryan said it was bland, but whatever. See, moods need to improve soon.

Right now, though, I think I’ll get L into her crib. Before she was born, I read a very helpful newborn trick for cold weather babies – put a heating pad in their crib to warm it up before you lay them down (remove it when they go in there, obviously), and they won’t be awakened so much by their head hitting a cold sheet. So far it’s worked wonders for L. She almost never wakes when I put her in there at bedtime or after her nightly feedings. And fortunately she doesn’t need this pacifier anymore once she’s asleep. She does get a little frantic looking for it when it falls out before she’s totally out, but once the eyelids have drooped for the last time she doesn’t need it to stay asleep or need it put back in if she wakes in the night. Hallelujah. That was one game I was completely unwilling to play – find and replace the pacifier. No way.

I know I should go to bed immediately once the kids are asleep, but these night time hours when I have the house to myself (who am i kidding – i mean the tv to myself) and everyone else is quiet are when I can get “me” stuff done – work on L’s baby book, clean up whatever messes have been left from the day, eat if I haven’t gotten around to it at regular meal times during the day (which is almost always these days), breathe. They help remind me that these peaceful times far outweigh the bad ones in this crazy, exhilarating, frightening, amazing thing we call parenthood. They help remind me why we are not one of the species who eats their young, but rather one who loves and embraces the next generation we have bred. For these tinies right here are going to grow up to be wonders. Our wonders.

See, just look at that face. A precious person in the making…

L

 

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Bad day

I feel like a complete and utter failure. It’s mid-day and I’ve yelled at Della more than once. I’ve put her in bed with no lunch because she refused to do the simplest of tasks and repeatedly screamed “No!” in my face. That obviously didn’t work as she screamed and flailed at me even more, so she finally got her lunch another half hour later after doing what I’d asked her long before. Then she started screaming again as I cleaned her up after lunch when I told her she couldn’t watch tv but had to take her nap. Why? Why so awful?

Lana has been piercing my eardrums with her siren wail all morning. And her simultaneous poopsplosion and 4 wave tsunami barf added one more bath to the to-do list today.

The fact that I still have to unload the dishwasher, finish up the two loads of laundry waiting downstairs, bake, go to the grocery store, and wrap presents does not add to my overall demeanor either. Why? What is it about today that needed to be so bad?

I feel ashamed and unhappy. I hate raising my voice and being mad at my children; that’s not right. But I guess almost 7 weeks with 2 of them was my breaking point. And just when I thought things were going so well and I’d gotten the hang of this motherhood thing.

 

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Through your eyes

Through your eyes it is simply incredible to see

Just how amazing and wondrous this big world can be.

Through your eyes it’s all new, it’s fun, and you grow every day;

From the things that you do to the words that you say.

You’re a big sister, my helper, and a wonderful kid;

Certainly one of the best things your dad and I ever did.

Through your eyes in this season, the holiday time of year,

The magic all comes alive with Santa and his reindeer.

You light up at their mention and you squeal, “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

There’s no end to the places with your beautiful mind you can go.

Through your eyes the world is fine and happy and bright,

And my heart swells when I watch your sparkle and light.

You watch and you try and you learn and you play,

And I burst with pride as I see you finding your way.

Through your eyes I can see it all happen again;

This journey of life on which I have been.

There is so much out there for you to see and do,

And along the way I hope you’ll be as proud of me as I already am of you.

Through your eyes I’m your mama and your guiding light.

I hope and I pray that I do this all right.

You’re my heart and my soul; you mean the world to me.

Through your eyes I hope you always see the good, my sweet Della Jolee.

 

 

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6 weeks

Lana turned 6 weeks old yesterday, and I thought I’d give you a peek into how I’m doing 6 weeks postpartum.

  • Weight:  Down 30 lbs. so far. I started at 149.5, gained 36 lbs. to 185.5, and was back down to 155.5 yesterday morning. So 6 more lbs. to go until I reach my prepregnancy weight. I’m in no rush. It’ll come off when it comes off. So far I think breastfeeding has been responsible for 100% of the weight loss.
  • Activity:  I haven’t gotten back to any sort of formal exercise. I’ve taken the girls on a couple walks with Della in the stroller and Lana in a carrier, but unfortunately it’s a colder season than when D was born when I was able to take her on a good hour walk almost every day. My walking speed has gotten back to normal, though. The first walk we took 5 days after Lana was born was slightly excruciating. I forgot how slowly I had to go. But now everything is fine and I can cruise as before. I did try to rake the front yard really quickly last week before the leaf truck came, and I was definitely more tired/weak than I expected to be by the end of that. My cardio endurance is obviously not back in shape. Fortunately I think my ability to go to the gym once a week with my trainer until almost the very end of this pregnancy helped me keep strength up better than I did when I was pregnant with D, because muscle-wise I feel a lot stronger than I did after she was born.
  • Sleep:  Lana is creeping closer to only waking up once a night, which helps me a ton. On her long sleep nights she’ll go to bed around 9:30, sleep until 4-4:30, then sleep again until 7-8 usually. That is much better than waking at 2ish and 5ish, as she had been doing once she dropped that 11ish wake up as well. She still does have 2 wake up nights, but thankfully they are becoming fewer and farther between. I just need to work on going to bed when she does instead of staying up an hour or two later. That time at night when they’re both asleep and silent is just so nice, though… And fortunately my carpal tunnel syndrome is gone, so I don’t wake up in misery and have to shake my arms out anymore. The night time pain disappeared almost immediately after delivery, but the weird nerve twinges and numbness lasted for a couple weeks. I’ve just noticed recently that those seem to finally be gone as well.
  • Sanity:  Not too bad. Once I survived the first week at home alone with the 2 of them, I felt much more confident in my ability to keep all of us alive. Each day gets a little easier, too, as I get more and more used to this routine. It sucks that the weather will be cold soon though, since D won’t be able to get outside to play. Not that we’re outdoors running around for hours on end each day or anything, but when it’s nice I try to take them on a walk to the store or to the park or play outside with her in her playhouse or just let her run around the yard for a while. Hopefully I don’t go stir crazy this winter when we’re cooped up inside constantly. I’m terrible with arts and crafts, too, so I need to work on filling our mornings with some sort of activity so she doesn’t just plop down in front of the TV or computer.

So that’s about it. We’re all still alive, clothed, and fed, so I’m calling that a win. I haven’t totally lost my shit yet either, which is encouraging since we’re potty training D right now too and L doesn’t like to be put down. So she just spends a lot of time in the bathroom with us.

I don’t have my official 6 week checkup for another almost week and a half, but I don’t think she’ll find any complications or anything. The bleeding and general goo exodus ended at 5 weeks, just as it did after D, and I’ve felt really good since Lana checked out of the womb hotel.

And I know how much you miss looking at my belly, so here’s a triple comparison shot. Left is the first pregnancy picture I took this time (4 weeks and change i think), middle is the day before L was born (39 weeks exactly), and right is me yesterday (6 weeks postpartum, same pants as the 1st pic for comparison). Enjoy!