Brain drain

This post may seem kind of rambling, crazy, and pointless to many, but that’s just kind of how things are rolling around in my head right now. Lucky you.

Now that I’m done breastfeeding and the milk has completely dried up, my boobs are utterly and totally lifeless. And I hate it. I think back to how full and nice they were while they were producing infant life force, and it makes me sad to look at the shells that have been left behind. They were certainly nothing special to begin with (emphasis on the nothing there), but now I swear they’re even less so if that’s at all possible. And for whatever reason none of my pre-pregnancy bras fit right anymore. Maybe I’ve just forgotten how underwires feel after not wearing one through those 9+ months of nursing, but damn if they aren’t uncomfortable! I used to avoid bras without them, but now I can’t seem to find one in my drawer that I like. I’m debating going to have an actual bra fitting done, but I’m afraid the woman will just laugh in my face and say, “Hon, what are you thinking? You don’t even need a bra!” The only one I’ve ever had done was while I was pregnant, and I was actually wearing the correct size at that time. But now I’ve lost that cup size I gained and it seems like every other aspect is out of whack too. Hmm – anyone have suggestions on comfortable bras they like?

Work sucks. There, I said it. People always ask, “How’s work going?” because they know my company has gone through round after round of layoffs the past couple years, and I have been fortunate to survive them all. Trust me, I know how fortunate I am, and I’m definitely not taking my employment for granted. And I usually answer that question, “Oh it’s fine. Work’s work,” but to be perfectly honest I get more and more restless every day. I like my job and all, but I just keep feeling useless. Like, what am I doing there that no one else can? When is the next round of firings going to come with my head on the chopping block? Fortunately I think we are past that point in the survival of our firm, but I still can’t help but wonder. There really isn’t a career path for me much past where I am now, which is actually totally fine. I’ve aimed to get where I am now my whole time in this industry so far, and I’m perfectly happy in my current role. But I always feel like one day someone is going to expect me to want more, and when they realize I’m content where I am now they won’t be able to understand that and run me over for the next hungry young guy (i say guy because this is still a fairly male-dominated industry, even though there are very many extremely talented, smart women in it. ok, hungry young guy or girl). I can’t help it, though – I get a paycheck, I have excellent benefits, I am good at what I do, I don’t need more and more responsibilities to feel validated in my career, and I enjoy the flexibility that I have now to leave work each day at a pretty reasonable hour and go home to be with my family. For that is what’s most important to me now – my family. And I just feel that so many people in my office make their life revolve around their job that I get further and further removed from that mindset every day. Maybe it’s just because things are a little slower at work right now, my mind has time to wander into this dangerous territory. I don’t know. I know I need to keep my job to help sustain the livelihood of our family, but I just really don’t want to. Isn’t that terrible? I should be considering myself lucky that I even still have a job as great as mine, and here I am complaining. I’m such a brat. (which in itself doesn’t help my feeling of uselessness either)

When are we going to have more kids? Woah, there’s one for ya. I swear every other second I start trying to figure that question out, and it’s beginning to drive me a little crazy. See, here’s the sitch – I know we want more (one, maybe two more, probably definitely no more than that), but when should we get to work on that little side project? Maybe it’s because now my body’s getting back into its groove and I know that project is possible again, or maybe it’s all the awesome babies coming into the world right now, or maybe it’s just because. Who knows. All I know is that it’s fairly constantly on my mind right now and I just don’t know the answer. And I don’t like not knowing. I originally thought it’d be great to give D a sibling about 2 years younger than her – have them pretty close together so they’d grow up close, plus if we decide to go for more after that I’d be that much younger when the time comes to work on #3. But then I started thinking wait, is that fair to D? Should we give her another year or more where it’s just her, so she can enjoy having all of our attention and love a little while longer? Would we miss out on precious moments and memories with D if we decide to go for it sooner rather than later and have to focus a chunk of ourselves on a new baby? And I have no idea how to answer that. I can see the pros and cons in both, and I feel like I’m about to tear in half when I try to come up with a solution. I teeter back and forth between leaning strongly one way, then the other, then I get all messy when I try to reconcile my feelings. Ugggghhhhh. Why is this worm eating away at my brain right now? And why won’t it tell me the answer? And when is it going to stop making me itch?

Well we’re still on our mini-vaca, so maybe some of these things are getting resolved as you read this. And maybe not. But throwing them out of my head for once helps it feel a little better, so thank you for letting me do that.