How do I prevent D from becoming one?
There is nothing I hate more than girls of any age, really, whose main goal in life is to form cliques, be the top dog of those cliques, and subsequently make life a living hell for anyone not in with them.
You know exactly who I mean. We all experienced them in school or even outside of school in life at some point, I’m sure. I know I did. And I was never the top dog. Nor was I ever really in, either. And when I think back and am perfectly honest, it sucked.
I don’t think I was ever the direct target of any cliques’ disdain or fun-making, but I was never really invited into a lot of stuff either. I don’t mean invited to join in torturing other non-clique members (even though i wasn’t), but just in general.
Sure I had a good group of friends all through school, but I was never one of the *cool* kids or the popular girl that everyone wanted to befriend. And up until pretty much my senior year in high school, I was really, really shy.
Me, initiate a plan with friends or an idea for something to do with others? Not a chance.
Hence, I spent most weekend nights just hanging out at home rather than out at parties like a lot of people in my class. (in my defense, though, i actually did like spending time with my family. maybe it was because i felt most safe and comfortable there, or maybe it was because my group of friends just weren’t the big partiers, but i didn’t mind staying home on those weekend nights one bit.)
Throughout grade school, and pretty much all of high school, too, I always felt like I didn’t quite fit in with everyone else. I’ve never been able to figure out why that was, either.
Maybe because I had such a weird last name that no one could pronounce (Picl – take your best shot, but i’m sure you’ll get it wrong. teachers taking attendance became the bane of my existence).
Or maybe because I was always one of the “smart” kids.
I think my shyness definitely played a big part, too. In a group of people or unfamiliar situation I would never go talk to someone I didn’t know or who I thought I wasn’t “friends” with, I would just stand by myself if my friends weren’t around and try to blend into the walls or background.
Finally by the end of my junior year and into my senior year of high school, I was much more confident in myself and stopped being so hung up on everyone else’s perceptions. So what if they didn’t like me? Not everyone has to. I liked me. And so what if I didn’t know someone that well? I could still say hi to them in the halls instead of averting my eyes and pretending I didn’t see them.
I made a lot more friends in my class (well, ok, acquaintances anyway) and actually had some fun. I was valedictorian of my high school class and athlete of the year, which was an unbelievably huge honor for me, since I never considered myself an athlete either. I was just a swimmer. But senior year I single-handedly outscored our entire football team at the State level. Now there’s a confidence-booster if there ever was one.
I was still beyond ready to get out of both high school and Peoria by the end, though, but at least the days became a little more bearable. “Glory days” high school definitely was not, for me.
But enough of my therapy session. Back to the matter at hand, which is making sure D doesn’t turn into one of those clique-forming, classmate-heckling mean girls.
Unfortunately I did tease kids in my classes from time to time when I was younger, like in grade school. And I am sorry for that. Why is it that everyone always picks on the fat kid? But I was also teased sometimes, and I didn’t like it. It hurt my feelings. Too bad I never turned that around in my head to see that’s how the kids I teased felt, too.
I guess it just worries me now more than ever, as a parent, how judgmental kids can be of those who are different from them. And why do so many parents not instill the value of acceptance and tolerance in their children?
My parents never really said much about it not being right to make fun of people (even though i didn’t really make it a habit. remember the wallflower? she usually came out to play more often than any sort of teaser), but that is one of the main things I am determined to teach D – don’t be mean to someone just because they don’t look or act just like you do.
I want her to learn that everyone has a story, everyone has feelings that can get hurt just like hers, and just because you think someone is “different” doesn’t mean they don’t get a chance too. I don’t want her to be a pushover, by any means, but I just want her to know how to treat others with respect. All the bullying stories that are out there now make my stomach turn, and it’s something of which I never want D to be a part.
I guess on the flip side, how do I teach her to handle a situation if she is on the unfortunate receiving end of teasing?
That one’s harder, and I’m really not sure.
Of course my wish is that she becomes a nice, funny, friendly girl who no one wants to make fun of, but I would hope that if she is she would be confident enough not to let it bother her too much. Or, something that I would never have dreamed of doing when I was little, be able to tell the person who’s teasing her that she doesn’t appreciate it and to knock it off.
Obviously confidence isn’t something she’ll really know for years, but I think you know what I’m saying. I just want to be a good enough mom to raise a strong, self-confident daughter, not a mean girl.
I just found this paragraph from a woman’s tribute to her father, and although it came from a completely different scenario than that of which I’m speaking here, this is exactly what I want to teach D:
“My dad taught me so many, many things, and the most important of them were things he taught me by example. He taught me to be considerate, to give people the benefit of the doubt, to not be judgmental, and to be patient. He taught me that honesty is best, even when it’s the more difficult choice, and he taught me to treat everyone with respect.”